With Words of Colour Productions undertaking the first survey of its kind on Black Britons, relationships and dating, we thought it was time to hear what young black men and women feel about how they are represented as love objects in the media. Where are the role models? Are there positive examples of black love for them to relate to? If not, why not?
Answering some of these questions are bright young things Malika Isles who expresses concern at the role of social media in perpetuating unhelpful messages about black relationships and infidelity, while Abimbola Toyinbo points out the negative role played by some RnB artists and asks why the media prefers to represent ethnic relationships as being full of drama.
Malika Isles
“If a nxgga cheated on Halle… What makes u regular bitches think you’re safe?” reads the text plastered across an image of Oscar winning actress Halle Berry as I scroll through my Twitter timeline.
Memes. We’re all exposed to them. Images, videos or pieces of text, supposedly humorous in nature, which circulate from person to person at a rapid rate. The continual and evolving nature of these Internet memes now dominate our Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and Facebook feeds, contaminating our minds like wildfire.
Detrimental is the word which repeats in my mind when I read over the Halle meme. This is just one tiny snapshot of the type of message I, as a young black woman, am repeatedly exposed to. As far as black on black relationships in the 18-25 age bracket is concerned, cheating and infidelity appear to be the norm.
We’re supposed to believe, and accept, that it’s just what black men do. But where did this flawed thinking come from? And why do so many young black women feel as though all black men cheat?
For years popular culture, music and the media have contributed to the way in which we perceive ‘black love’, or the lack thereof. But rather than rewriting the story behind this misconception, my generation has taken it by the horns and launched it into the 21st century unchallenged.
Today the rise of social media is giving these toxic ideas and perceptions of black relationships the freedom to prosper as they are reinforced through tweets, retweets, photos and memes. Whether you’re a brother from the endz or a young woman at university, we all believe it.
It’s funny because in a warped way this meme puts Halle Berry on a pedestal, but for all the wrong reasons. Ms Berry, the embodiment of physical beauty, success and intellect, and a strong black woman, still remains a victim of infidelity. Sadly, that’s the part of the message we remember.
I’m sure many black women would read this meme and feel some level of comfort, that it’s not ‘just me’ that it’s happening to, but to many of us. This “collective comfort” is misplaced. Why should any of us feel comforted by the fact that another woman is a victim of infidelity? We’ve come to expect cheating as standard, typical and expected. It’s not.
Although the issue of “expected infidelity” in black relationships has been around for years, social media is powerfully reinforcing and perpetuating this belief which is having an adverse effect on my generation, and on the development of healthy, loving relationships.
The more we circulate these sorts of images and modes of thinking, the more we begin to believe that infidelity is normal and a part of love. Yes, sometimes infidelity is a reality of life – but to accept this as standard in our relationships shows there’s something wrong with our thinking. We must overcome these toxic assumptions to prosper and build black love.
Malika Isles is a 22 year old Londoner with a degree in English Literature and Theatre. She enjoys writing and loves all things arts-related.
Abimbola Toyinbo
In a recent interview August Alsina – one of the hottest new RnB singers of the moment – was asked why the message of his hit song No Love (about a man who just wants sex, but doesn’t want to commit to a woman) was so negative. He was also asked why no one sings about love anymore.
His response said it all: “It’s honest. It’s the world we live in today. People say that RnB is in the wrong place and that we singers are scared to connect with women, but I feel we are connecting perfectly fine. That is what you want…it’s what you show me as a lady on Instagram and Twitter…it’s who you present yourself to be.”
We live in a time where people have become more obsessed with their physical image than ever before. So, sadly, August is spot on. It’s like my generation have entered an age of narcissism.
Many young women are posting countless erotic pictures of themselves online; pictures which are also known as “thirst traps”. I’m not saying these women are unattractive, but it’s unlikely any man is going to want to start a relationship with a woman who posts pictures of her body and has thousands of followers lusting over her.
So songs such as No Love and Loyal (by Chris Brown) are perfect examples of how the youth feel about relationships and love. We are led to believe that falling in love is foolish and that no one can be trusted. And we’re playing it out in our real lives.
So how do we resolve this? Well, the best way to showcase ‘black love’ in general would be to promote more successful loving couples, and how they deal with modern day situations, via the media. But these kinds of examples are few and far between.
I remember watching TV shows such as The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and My Wife and Kids when I was growing up. Both showed a loving black father who was successful, strong and a loving husband, all at the same time. Both had a positive effect on me as a child and are partly why I can appreciate a genuine, strong, down to earth woman today without feeling insecure. But where are these types of programmes now?
It seems the media prefers to represent ethnic relationships as being full of drama, simply because it’s more entertaining. But how is that helping us? Unfortunately, so many of the men and women my age are buying into these ideals. It’s going to take many more positive images in the press, TV, film and music before the majority understand its okay to want to spend time with only one person.
Abimbola Toyinbo is a 23 year old Business and Management graduate. In his spare time he writes poetry and creates digital art.
If you are 18 and above, we would love to know your thoughts by taking part in our groundbreaking Black Britons, dating and relationship survey. Click here to add your voice.
We will be debating this topic on Twitter on Friday 13 February 2015 with the hashtag #youngblacklove, so if you are between 18-25, please join in.
Picture credits: AskCameri.com/Naijarhythm.com